Issues: How to Help a Friend Who Is Having a Crisis

A Friend In Need

     I was sitting in class at 9am last spring waiting for it to start when my phone started to ring.  See, this is an anomaly all on its own just because a) I don't have many friends b) none of my friends are up at 9am unless they have somewhere to be.  I walked out of the room to take the call.  My best friend Z was stifling her tears and in her garbled speech told me that her Grandpa passed away suddenly and requested that I come over after class.  I told her I would, but honestly, I had no idea if I wanted to.  I'm very awkward when it comes to grief.  I've known Z for about eight years and I didn't even know that she was so close to her Grandpa.  She is not a dramatic girl and I only ever see her sad when she really feel it.

     I knew I couldn't be good enough of a rock on my own.  I called my other best friend M and told her what happened.  She said that she would stop by and that we should bring Z some treats.  I sat through class  but my mind was not there.  I felt sad for Z but the selfish side of me wanted skip out on seeing her.  I just didn't know what to do or say, but then it hit me.  You don't need to do or say anything.  Yes, it's awkward and painful to see a loved one in pain.  But you need to suck it up and be comforting because at the moment, your problems are not significant.  My best friend's feelings took over my own and I drove to a nearby grocery store to pick up some cookies and a small serving of ice cream for Z's sister and made my way to her house.

     Z and I wrapped ourselves in a hug and I let her cry her little heart out and cuddle up next to me.  Physical contact is highly underrated and a simple hug can help a person feel better.  Even if you aren't a touchy person, try to muster up a hug.  We chatted about how it happened and then, suddenly, we didn't.  We talked about everything under the sun, except what happened.  I let her lead the conversation wherever she wanted it to go, and although she didn't exactly feel happy again (why would I expect her to?), she was talking and not crying anymore.  M showed up and brought pizza and we made a little party out of this.

     Sadness brought us together.  Z, M, and I have been friends since high school but college had us treading new paths.  It took a period of weakness to reinforce our friendship.  I am thankful that I could have been there physically and emotionally because I learned a lot about how to be there for someone.

How to Help a Friend

     Death.  Divorce.  Break-ups.  Finances.  School.  Family.  Friends.  Arguments.  These are just some of the things that can cause a crisis.  Depending on the type of friend you have, he or she may not explicitly ask you for consolation or help.  This does not give you a ticket to bail on your friend and ignore the matters at hand.  I'm going to attempt to help you help someone else.  Keep in mind these are just guidelines.  You know your friend best.

1. Don't pry.  Now just because you should be there doesn't mean you should be a pest.  Ask how your friend is doing and feeling.  Be a good listener.  They don't want to talk about it?  Okay.  That is okay.  Now leave it be.  But please, be sensitive.
2. Let them lead.  Not everyone actively leads conversations or activities.  Try to put the focus on your dear buddy.  Let them dictate what you do when you hang out and don't complain or agitate them if you are bored.  Gently goad your friend towards conversation and/or their more normal behavior.
3. Listen.  Ranting helps a lot of us get matters off our mind.  Let your friend cry if they need to.  Just don't be rude and interrupt.  If you must leave, offer to meet up again or communicate other ways.
4. Know some signs.  Deviations from your loved one's normal behavior are likely to be apparent.  They may hit a low or they may hit a manic high where they exaggerate their usual behaviors.  Steer events back to normal.  Make a joke, play a game, go for a walk.  Keeping the mind busy helps an individual focus less on pain.
5. Give advice only when it is asked for.  People typically don't want to listen to what you think is sage advice when they don't care for it.  Speak your peace only when your friend alludes to wanting some advice or outright asks you for it.
6. Protect your friend.  Your friend may "crack", or suddenly grieve.  If you don't feel that you have anything helpful to say, just listen.  Let your friend let their feelings out.  Make sure they don't do anything dangerous.  Everybody reacts to situations differently and if you truly love your friend...
7. Ask for help if you need it.  Sometimes you can do everything you can and it still won't be enough.  It's okay to consult someone else if matters get out of hand.  While I understand that some matters are secrets, it's up to you to decide what secrets are worth keeping.

     Sometimes you can't physically be there.  And I understand, we all have our own lives to deal with and that may mean living far away from your loved ones.  Phone, Skype, GChat, e-mail.  Technology can connect us all.  Part of being a friend is handling the bad moments as much as enjoying the good ones.

     If you made it this far down my post, congratulations!  You must be such a good friend looking for how to be helpful.  Now go, help your buddy out of their slump!!!  Life is too short to grieve, and if you can help someone out of their sadness, more power to you.

     I hope you all enjoyed this type of post.  Please let me know if things just got too serious or if you like to tackle issues like this.  A lot of people are awkward (me included) when it comes to helping a friend overcome sadness.  The least you can do is try, and maybe that small effort will make a big difference.

Happy trails,

Sweeney

Foodstuffs: (Trying) to Snack Like a Saint But Being a Bit of a Sinner

     Hello, hello!!!  Tonight I would like to post an update on my weight: 153.6 pounds (a.k.a. 69.6 kilograms).  Can I get a congratulatory pat on the back for having lost 3.8 pounds in one week?!  No?  Okay, how about a thumbs up?  I'll take it!  I can credit this "weight loss" (if you can even call it that) to portioning my food and cutting down on/finding better snacks.  In this post I'll tell you about some of my snacking modifications.

     Snacking is a huge issue for me (and always has been), especially because most of the time I want a snack, I'm not even hungry.  Mindless eating is no good.  So is picking up total and complete JUNK to snack on All.  The.  Time.  No, just no.  It's certainly not hard to change your eating habits.  The only "tough" part is getting past yourself: be it a lack of willpower, stress, boredom, motivation, or all of the above.  I personally just had to find other things to do (like writing blog posts!) because I'm off from school and home alone.

YOUR GUIDE TO THE MUNCHIES

1. You've gotten the munchies.  Perhaps you were doing something and got really bored with it, or maybe you were just bored overall.  Something or someone has caused a craving for an oh-so-delightful goodie that you just can't get out of your head.  Like when you have a crush on someone and you can't stop thinking of them, except this time what you want comes in a rainbow of colors and has chocolate under the candy coating...  And now you just wanna snarf down a zillion portions of whatever it is you want.
2. STOP.  Drink a few swigs of water (yes, water--no substitutes allowed), and go sit your behind back down and go back to doing whatever you were doing.  Are you out and about?  Replace the water with a few mints and follow the rest of the directions.
3. If after ten minutes you are still hungry for what it was you wanted, go get it.  I'm serious.  BUT, with some modifications:
1. Eat from a bowl/serving dish.  Don't cradle that container like it's your firstborn and snack away as your focus is on some other task.  You might end up with a bloat that I call the food baby.  That little pooch you get when you still eat even though you were full a loooong time ago.
2. Stick to the correct serving size and eat sloooowly.  Your body needs time to register that you are giving it food and it will get full.  You may end up full before you even finish everything.  You may not even be in the mood to eat the rest.  Give yourself time to understand your body: it's not as fast as your brain.  Don't eat too slowly now...you want there to be a gap between meals!
4. Now go, be off on your merry way and don't feel bad that you ate.  Seriously, you eat to live!

     Isn't she lovely?  Behold more than 2 pounds of bite-sized, chocolatey, delicious, amazing goodness.  Anyone that knows me knows that a Whitman's Sampler chocolate box is my ultimate weakness (read: get me one of these and I will love you forever...I'm looking at you DB!).  My love for chocolate just skyrockets upon receiving one of these boxes that are full of truffle-sized beauties.  In my last post, I told you guys that the chocolate box was for all of my family to enjoy (about 13 of us) during the Christmas festivities.  But we all know who was responsible for this:

     This one time when I was two years old, I was sitting in my stroller accompanying my parents on a K-Mart trip.  I quietly stole a Hershey bar and started sucking on it (back before the wrapper was plastic and you could easily soak the foil)...unbeknownst to either parent.  Upon approaching checkout they were so shocked and the cashier so disgusted he just didn't bother to charge us.  That was when my love for chocolate started.  Unfortunately, chocolate is the one thing that makes me gain the most amount of weight.  I have eaten much fattier foods than it, but my body loves chocolate so much it never wants to let it go.  Well, I am sick of lugging this extra weight around that I'm sure is comprises mostly of cocoa and sugar.  I am not going to keep any chocolate in the house.  It's beneficial for me in the long run.  Sure, I mope and whine about craving it, but I know I'm better off chewing a piece of gum when I'm not hungry.  Eating things like these when I am hungry is nice too:

Kellogg's Special K Bars: Something sweet and crispy.  Strawberry and Chocolately Pretzel flavors.  This way I can sneakily get my chocolate fix without too much damage.  Mom buys these for me at Costco.  Yay for these little 90 calorie bars!

What the Special K Strawberry bar looks like.  Mmm...sugary glaze-y thing on cereal and dried strawberry bits.

Sensible Portions Garden Veggie Straws: Also from beloved Costco and the variety pack comes in these  plain flavored straws, plain flavored chips (so redundant, it's the same salt flavored thing as the straw, just in chip form), and ranch flavored straws.  They're crispy and airy and hit the spot and make a decent substitute for potato chips.

Add some fruit to your diet!  Mom found these humongous, gorgeous, sweet, delicious mangoes that I've been devouring when I really want something cold and juicy and sweet.  I think they are Ecuadorian mangoes.  I've read that mangoes are good for your skin, loaded with vitamins, and are high in fiber.  Go do some research and enjoy one of these things!

These leftover mini candy canes from the holidays are great for when I'm trying to avoid  snacking out of boredom.  The peppermint is refreshing and I get my sugar fix without the accompanying fat like some other things... *ahem, chocolate*

 
     When I'm at home, I typically snack between all three meals: one between breakfast (if I wake up early enough for it, hehehe) and lunch, and one or two between lunch and dinner.  It sounds like a lot but I've been eating in smaller portions now so I am actually eating when my stomach growls.

    Now, I have not been perfect.  Nor did I expect to be within one week of trying to discipline myself.  As winter break is dwindling to a close, I have been baking ALL THE TIME.  I love, love, loooove to bake and I have basically run my household dry of basic dessert ingredients like butter and sugar.  Wooops.  I have made almond-orange biscotti, chocolate chip biscotti, cranberry-orange bread, and pineapple upside down cake this past week.  I know, and it has been really hard to control my sweet tooth.  I keep hoping Mom and DB will eat things for me but truth is, I am guilty.  I think once school starts I will be too impatient to bake and then all will be well in this soon to be dessert-barren household again.

     Start small.  I haven't even started to exercise this week.  But as you have seen, cutting down on excess eating (eating when you aren't hungry and eating more than you really need) has made a huge difference for me.  My stomach has de-puffed a bit as well as my face and neck area.  I look more fresh and alert because I'm eating healthier (amounts and types) of food.  I feel happier now that I've made a little progress, which for me is motivation and incentive alone to keep at it.  I try not to feel too bad about splurging here and there, but I will also try to be more strict with my plans.

     Nothing special has really been going on lately.  Blog is not on the forefront of my mind as I have to clean my awfully messy room before school starts.  And I've really just been enjoying my time off.  I know this isn't a food blog even though it's starting to look like one, but I have recipes I would like to share in future posts: granola, baked ziti, and pineapple upside down cake.  I'm sure once I stop cooking and go back to school I will have other things to talk about for those of you who are not looking to lose weight or experiment in the kitchen.  I'll be sure to take a break from foodie posts and talk about other stuff.

Happy trails,

Sweeney

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or any type of medically-trained individual.  The diet/exercise I mention and may mention in future posts work for me as an individual and are to be taken as is.  Please consider your own health conditions and/or please consult your doctor before you embark on a new regimen.  Note for things such as food allergies and medications that may keep you from trying out foods I may mention.  Don't go getting sick, now!  Be responsible with your health and do what's best for you.  These are things that work for me and it is not my position to determine whether they are suited for you.